once, I paid a homeless man with long hair and a teardrop next to his eye $5 to listen to me cry. I told this to a boy I fucked a few times in drunken weeks. He laughed at me, thought it was stupid, that the man didn’t care. but he did care. His shaky aura tried to calm just for a few minutes to help me in exchange for $5. I cried frantically and spoke of unrequited love and the look in his sorry empathetic eyes understood and felt my pain. he didnt say much, but I didn’t need him to. I see him every month now.

idk what’s going on I don’t feel well I think it’s just mother nature I did a lil yoga specifically for that it helped a little. I have little motivation and energy. idk :/ gunna pray I guess. I guess I really should be writing more and Im not on my phone too much but I really don’t want to have it at all

I’m learning so much. and I’m not even doing anything, really! I mean I am but I guess what I mean is I’m not acting impulsively or ‘going out’ or any nonsense. I’m not saying that stuff is bad! but I don’t need it in my life right now and I’m still learning so much without it. I’m struggling with writing and staying in the moment/day/focusing. Although I’m doing them everyday, prayer and meditation are struggles too. and I’m eating so healthy and vegan still but my habits are still kinda bad.. just snacking at night and throughout the day too much but it’s not a big deal just want to do better.

I’m ok but this is pretty hard. I’m tired I don’t want to give up but it’s just hard to have to try so hard. I wanna say “I can’t wait until this is over” but I don’t even really mean that. I’m just tired and it’s really hard to clean up such a big mess I mean I have support/people cheering me on but it’s still all on me. I have got to get closer to my higher power I have got to pray more Ive been meditating but not praying.

I DONT KNOW WHY I MISS YOU I GUESS I MISS KNOWING SOMEONE WOULD ALWAYS BE THERE EVEN IF YOU WERE THERE JUST TO KNOCK ME DOWN YOU WERE STILL THERE I GUESS IM JUST LONELY FOR YOU OR PEOPLE IVE NEVER MET ITS BEEN A HARD DAY AND I WISH I COULD CRY ON YOU